50 things the Boss should know(or how not to get driven insane by your
by lyraeliowy
Summary: A series of list fics from Bosses of the countries informing their successors of the care and keeping of ones country.
1. Chapter 1

America  
0o0o0o0o0o  
Hello Mr. President. As you explore the White House and enjoy your new found power you may have noticed the presence of one Alfred F. Jones. He is the NP (Nation Personification) of the United States and as such requires certain care and keeping. The following list should be enough to get you started, however, like anything it is subject to change as a result of his personality. Further details may be found in the Black Book but that is hard to get a hold of (and last i hear the librarian was refusing to let us borrow it because Alfred broke it. Again.) I do not know whether you have ever wanted children but regardless you are now a parent (addendum you have kids. congrats now you have another) to the American nation. As the former president i can only wish you the best of luck and may god have mercy on your soul.  
1) Alfred likes ice cream and burgers keep them stocked at all time  
2) Arthur (Great Britain/England) visits often  
3) No they aren't dating  
4) Relationships of the NPS will confuse and distress you it is best not to think about it and ignore any and all evidence of them  
5) It is not worth the effort to get involved in any of their fights  
6)It is a violation of the Geneva convention to make war criminals babysit them  
7) Expect phone calls at 2am informing you of the wrongs he has done  
8)Yes the bail money is under the rabbit figurine on the mantle piece in the Green room.  
9)We have been assured all records concerning a mime a bird and the statue of liberty have been sealed  
10) Occasionally Canada will visit he is America's twin and lives in Toronto. He is a forgettable boy but very polite. It is safe to use him to babysit the kids.  
11)America tends to be forgetful of Canada make sure he doesn't accidentally leave him somewhere or forget him and leave him on the front step.  
12) Matthew (Canada) and Alfred have a complicated relationship.  
13) Mattie holds a grudge from when Alfred invaded Canada  
14) Alfred still holds a grudge from when Mattie set the white house on fire  
15) It is best not to mention Afghanistan and America is still not on speaking terms with either Russia or Cuba He also doesn't get along well with Mexico  
16) He gets sick when the economy is bad and likes chicken noodle soup by the gallon  
17) America also gets phantom pains on the anniversary of the Boston Massacre, Gettysburg, Antietam and Pearl Harbor among others. give him the day off and offer some aspirin. He will be right as rain the day after.  
18) Do not under any circumstances allow America to be alone in the same room with France. we don't want another international incident  
19) Try to avoid being in the same room near France  
20) It is not an act of war to tackle a country when they feel up your wife  
21) Most prime ministers and dignitaries bring their country's with them when they visit.  
22) Sealand is not a country  
23) He will try to convince you otherwise resist the sad eyes  
24) Contrary to all logic and reason the NPS are able to conceal a variety of weapons and objects on their persons regardless of size.  
25) Hungary tends to carry a frying pan up her sleeve and Prussia somehow manages to carry a medival era sword. Spain had a fucking battle axe last i heard.  
26) If you hear Alfred yelling ignore it. He probably deserved whatever he got hit with no matter who hit him  
27) Never get between America and his football games  
28) It is NOT safe to allow the following to babysit: Russia, France, Spain, South Italy, China  
29) Safe nations to babysit include: Canada, England, Italy (Northern keep the Southern half far away unless you want your children dropping four letter words constantly), and surprisingly Prussia.  
30) Alfred likes to watch scary movies.  
31) Alfred also gets nightmares from them  
32) Expect irate calls from England questioning your parenting  
33) If Germany visits expect to get Italy too  
34) Italy will cook you wonderful food  
35) Germany is the voice of reason  
36) Prussia has hidden depths of evil if he shows up call his brother (Germany) yes he is technically not a country anymore but do not mention that unless you want to have one drunk ex-nation crying in the dining room.  
37) Yes that is a bird on Prussia's head. Do not question it.  
38) America likes to invite Japan over for video games expect calls from the Japanese boss regarding his country's location.  
39) If you value your sanity do not under any circumstances allow Prussia, Austria and Hungary to visit at the same time.  
40) Ditto for England and France  
41) England is an alcoholic  
42) Keep brandy in stock for his visits  
43) England and France will start fights over Canada and America and how they were raised. Do not intervene.  
44)If you try to flee screaming into the night America WILL find you  
45) You do not want to hear his 'i am so disappointed in you' talk  
46) If you declare war for no good reason expect retaliation from Alfred  
47) He won't admit it but he loves kids  
48) The states all have personalities of their own. expect to hear from Delaware and Pennsylvania regarding the horrors that will happen to you if you hurt their dad.  
49) England will do the same but phrases it as a not so subtle threat to your manhood and sanity if you harm his son/lover (I'm not quite sure and i try not to think about it either)  
50) The panic room is soundproof and stocked with alcohol and food. Only you and your wife can get in. Your welcome

Hopefully the above will be helpful regarding your encounters with America. Congrats on being President don't forget how hard you worked and how much money you spent to get this privilege. Enjoy the next four years!  
Regards  
Ex-President


	2. Chapter 2

Caro nuovo presidente! Welcome to the most wonderful and terrifying years of your life. Now before your next meeting with the cabinet, the aids have been instructed to give this to you. You might want to pour some wine now. Indietro? ok allora! Now as the presidente of the Italian nation you need to be aware that Italy itself is alive and has a National Personification (NP) . You are its boss. The gravity and responsibility you now have is immense. However, because you value your manhood and pride i am sure you will more than manage to survive the next few years. (barring any coups, revolutions or accidental death) The following are a few helpful pointers for you as you adjust to the new responsibility you now have.

1) Italy is actually 2 people. The loud one is South Italy while the wimpy one is Northern Italy.  
2) North Italy(here after referred to as Feli (short for Feliciano) ) is usually out of country and may be found at Germany's place. The German NP is named Ludwig.  
3) They are not dating no matter what appearances say.  
4) Expect South Italy to shout and throw things if this is brought up at all.  
5) When South Italy (here after referred to as Lovi (short for Lovino) ) is on a rampage call Spain. His name is Antonio.  
6) Feli has an unhealthy obsession with pasta and a verbal tic involving the word 've'.  
7) Lovi has a tomato fetish  
8) Both can sleep anytime and anywhere. Anywhere.  
9)Under no circumstances should you bring up the other Italian states or the process that they went through to become a united italy.  
10)If you do so anyway expect to have one sobbing nation and one angry drunk one. guilt does things. even 100 years later.  
11) The Mafia is not your friend  
12) If you make it your friend neither Italy will be happy  
13) If neither Italy is happy your life will be hell  
14)We think they might actually control the mafia as the Dons but we honestly have no idea.  
15) Just stay far far away from anything involving the mafia  
16) Do not touch the curls  
17) Do not ask about them either  
18) Yes Feli has eyes he just squints a lot. One of these days Ludwig will make him get glasses its a matter of time.  
19) No they do not want to talk about WWII  
20) If you bring up Mussolini you might 'accidentally' fall out a window.  
21) Feli is smarter than he looks.  
22) Feli is also capable of a lot more destruction than you would expect  
23) Lovi is obviously dangerous,however, he is also a sucker for a sad story  
24) Lovi was raised by Antonio do not question the nature of their relationship  
25) Feli was mainly raised by Austria after the end of the Roman Empire.  
26) Do not bring up the Holy Roman Empire  
27) America likes to visit and 'borrow' the cars. There is nothing you can do to stop him. However, the warning system set up to the local residents should be enough to minimize damage to them.  
28) Germany always comes to visit in the summer.  
29) If you hear whispered voices saying 'be one with me' ignore them. It is simply Russia outside your window again.  
30) Russia likes sunflowers and vodka  
31) France is a pervert  
32) Do not allow him to stay at your residence  
33) Both Italy's currently have a blood feud with him as a result of certain works of art going 'missing' during the war.  
34) Both Italy's hate it when you cut off their access to pasta. Any damage caused when you threaten to do so is entirely your own fault.  
35) Feli makes wonderful pasta.  
36) Lovi makes Wine  
37) Neither one is really Catholic but they do have a tendency to revert to the faith when stressed.  
38) On that note mock the Church at your peril.  
39) )Cristof Is the NP for the Vatican he occasionally visits and normally brings the wrath of God when he does. Do not interfere. the last person that did had to crawl all the way to Rome on his knees before he was UN-excommunicated  
40) They somehow manage to conceal weapons in the thin air.  
41)Feli is a very good shot and Lovi will likely stab you.  
42) Lovi will do most of the paperwork. Feli will lose the paperwork  
43 ) Lovi can and will swear at you for 3 plus hours without repeating himself. It is in your best interest not to commit any crime worthy of such a rant.  
44) Both have an unhealthy obsession with afternoon soap operas. Do not get in the way of soap opera time.  
45)Italy likes cats  
46) Lovi will swear for no apparent reason. One PA estimates that swear words account for 58.6 percent of his vocabulary.  
47) They speak every language as a result of having conquered and been conquered so often.  
48) Any sexy twin fantasies should be kept to yourself  
49) Lovi will castrate you if you try anything on Feli  
50) Germany will hid your body where it will never be found afterwards.

It is my hope that these tips may be useful to you in your term as president. Just remember, you wanted this. Karma is a silly superstition and not applicable at all to this situation. Your PA's will likely resign every month if not every week from stress and you will likely bald as a result of the same. Congratulations and good health on the start of your term!


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Sir or Madam,  
Welcome and congratulations on your new position! You are likely in between meetings right now, however, the aid should have given you this on your first day. If he hasn't then fire him. Jane has been angling for the position for the past year anyway. Now before your next meeting I must inform you of the NP project. Aka the National Personification Project. Every country has a personification. The US has Alfred and Canada has Matthew. We have Sir Arthur Kirkland aka The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The NP is an invaluable asset to your administration and should be treated with courtesy and care. He is as old as the land itself and so should be treated with respect. While you might be his 'boss' never fool yourself into thinking he serves you. Sir Kirkland serves the country. Hopefully the following pointers will help you in your dealings with him.

1)Sir Kirkland appears to be in his mid twenty's and has appeared such since the turn of the 18th century.  
2)Do not comment on the eyebrows or his lack of fashion sense  
3)Sir Kirkland will most often be outfitted in a green uniform for meetings, however, on his off times he dresses more casually in pullovers and dress pants or suits  
4)All NP's are related somehow. France, Spain and England are brothers (around the same age) they all were raised by Rome (yes that one) 5)England raised Canada and America as a father figure but is not directly related to them.  
6)The British isles are all related but are seen as younger siblings by Sir Kirkland.  
7)Germany and Prussia are brothers (Yes Prussia is an ex-nation but he still exists)  
8)The Baltic states are brothers  
9)The Netherlands, Sweden, Denmark and Norway are all cousins  
10)Lithuania and Poland are seeing each other again.  
11)Do not comment on Poland's dress sense  
12)Italy is represented by two people, twin brothers.  
13)Austria and Hungary were married at one point but were forced to separate due to historical reasons. They still travel as a unit though so if Austria visits expect Hungary and vs-versa.  
14) Most Nations end up dating each other  
15)Germany usually comes with North Italy  
16)Spain usually comes with South Italy  
17)Prussia is seeing Canada. We have no idea how that happened.  
18)America and England have a 'special relationship'. We advise against inquiring the nature of this relationship.  
19)England and France have an on again off again relationship. We think. It is not certain at this time whether they are on or off again due to the America complication.

20) America is of course oblivious to the havoc he causes  
21)On that note France is rather annoying. Do not under any circumstances allow him near Sir Kirkland when he is in a mood unless you want to spend the day on disciplinary probation.  
22)Belarus is homicidal. Avoid her at all costs. She tends to pack throwing knives. She has a fixation on her brother (Russia) and will do terrible things to those who get in the way of them having a relationship.  
23)As a rule NPs all are proficient in a variety of weaponry. Therefore they don't need a security detail  
24)Keep in mind the above when questioning any relationships between NPs  
25)As a result of the nature of being an NP they can't actually kill each other. So it is advised to allow them to fight out any disputes.  
26)The Queen is to be respected at all times. While you of course understand this (As a British citizen and prime minister you naturally are loyal to her), However, this is also in regards to all past monarchs and English persons of note in general.  
27)We think he loved Elizabeth I and Shakespeare we don't really know for sure though.  
28)Sir Kirkland was fond of Diana. He usually takes the day of her death off.  
29)He is close friends with both Sir Ian Mckellen and Dame Maggie Smith  
30)Ireland and Scotland are the red haired brothers. Yes Ireland is note technically part of the Empire but he still visits and is a sibling so you need to know this.  
31)Wales is brunet  
32)North Ireland is the blond she tends to stay with Sir Kirkland and has an apt on the upper story of the house. The other three come and go.  
33)Expect death threats from all of them if you make policy decisions that negatively affect England.  
34)North Ireland is friends with Fergi. We honestly have no idea how that happened.  
35)Wales is friends with Harry and they tend to go out together when they get a chance.  
36)Will tends to visit Sir Kirkland when he has a chance it is assumed that he brings Kate with him when he visits now.  
37)The other Ireland makes bombs as a hobby. It is best not to contemplate the implications of this. It is also unwise to request that he desist.  
38)Wales runs an archery range on the side. It is in compliance with regulations. We think that Sir Kirkland agreed to it in order to gain his compliance.  
39)Canada and America look exactly alike but Canada tends to go invisible. We don't know why.  
40)Australia and Hong Kong occasionally visit. Australia tends to get smashed Hong Kong tends to break things.  
41)It should be noted that almost all countries have blood feuds of some-type or another with other countries. These are based in historic events and should be noted ASAP.  
42)England and America have fights over the Revolution and the Seven Years war.  
44)England and France fight over obvious reasons (Agincor, Normandy, the Hundred Years War to name a few)  
45)England and Egypt are currently on the outs because of an antiquity issue. On that note do not mention the Spanish Armada or anything related to that portion of history unless you want him to go on a pirate bender.  
46)The economic issues tend to give NP's colds or other aliments, they also get sick when there are epidemics. However, there haven't been any outbreaks of plague or Spanish influenza recently.  
47)Yes England practices magic  
48)No do not question it he has been dabbling in it since the medieval ages and can put a nasty curse on you. The fairies and other misc creatures he talks to should not be commented on.  
49)Saturday's are sacred to the watching of Doctor Who  
50)Oh he is also a closet alcoholic. drink of choice is brandy or whiskey He was close to Churchill so we blame him for that.

Hopefully the above will be useful. When you get to the meeting with him do not treat him like a history book that makes him sulky which is unwise for a variety of reasons. Your children will love him, however, it is best to not let them play with him too often. His sailor days left a definite impact on his language. Being the 'boss' of a nation is rather like being a parent, however, a swear jar will not help in this case. All in all good luck on your term and hopefully you will survive the next few years with your sanity intact. Remember it is not a weakness to need anti-depressants.

ps. He can't cook. At all.  
Under no circumstances should you eat his cooking.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Mister/Madam,  
Welcome to the office of President. As you enter your term there is something you should know that you were not informed of prior to your election to this position. Namley that your country is a living entity. Or in this case two living entities. The national personifications (NPs) of your country are Ludwig and Gilbert Beilschmidt or as they prefer to be called Germany and Prussia. They are an asset to your country and have existed since time out of mind. They both will give you advice and help you adjust to your new position. However, that being said there are a few things you should know.

1)Germany and Prussia are both Np's of our country. Prussia used to be East Germany. He still calls Germany 'West'  
2)Germany is Prussia's brother. His younger one to be exact.  
3)Prussia also had another younger brother named The Holy Roman Empire. We don't talk about what happened to him.  
4)Yes Prussia was dissolved back in the 1900's, no we don't know why he is still around. Most of the time when a country ceases to exist so does its NP.  
5)The popular opinion is that yes he is just that stubborn.  
6)Prussia thinks he is Gott's gift to the universe (We think he is a punishment for crimes committed by our ancestors)  
7)Prussia will try to convince you to let him take care of the war budget. Give in. The pranks resulting when you say no will give you gray hair.  
8)Germany and Prussia are both very neat and organized. They always arrive promptly for any meetings. You would do well to do the same.  
9)They are both seeing other nations. Germany is currently in a relationship with Northern Italy while Prussia is seeing Canada.  
10)If a loud angry Italian shows up do not allow him to find either Germany or Prussia. He will call you a 'potato bastard' don't take it personally.  
11)If a quiet excitable Italian shows up that would be Feli or North Italy. My recommendation is to give him a key to the building and a map showing where Germany's office is.  
12)If an invisible or hard to see nervous country shows up that would be Canada. offer him tea and call Prussia immediately  
13)Both brothers are rather sensitive of the events of the 1930's and 40's. As such it is best not to mention it at all as Prussia tends to hack things up with his broadsword and Germany tends to cope by drinking.  
14)Expect death threats from both Italy and Canada if you mention it anyway. Reminder Italy can and will have a hit put on you by the mafia if you make Germany upset.  
15)Prussia is rather fond of Fredrick the Great. 'Fond' meaning he is still very attached to him to this day. On that note do not speak negatively of Old Fritz unless you would like to be introduced to a very sharp medieval sword.  
16)Prussia and Germany both still have scars from the Berlin Wall both mentally and physically. It is best not to ask about them.  
17)On that note both are extremely protective of one another.  
18)They also have a grudge against Russia.  
19)Austria and Hungary tend to visit in June. Expect to have to bail Prussia out as a result (there is a fund for that)  
20)While the above three are 'friends' the nature of their relationship is still up for debate. We try not to question it.  
21)Austria can and will criticize you for your 'wasteful' habits  
22)Hungary will hit you with a frying pan if you try to strangle her ex husband (Austria...its complicated)  
23)Spain, France and Prussia occasionally band together to spread chaos throughout the EU. Expect calls from a variety of Prime-ministers when this occurs  
24)Spain and France are both extremely friendly, however, as one would expect they cannot be trusted to run a country efficiently.  
25)Japan often visits. He and Germany have remained close throughout the years. Do not worry, he is a safe and sane individual.  
26)Russia is not a safe or sane individual. If he shows up in your office call Germany and then call Belarus.  
27)It is acceptable to hide under the desk while you wait for them to arrive.  
28)Do NOT say yes to becoming 'one' with Russia.  
29)Belarus makes Russia seem sane. Pray Germany gets to you first.  
30)Germany and England actually are very good friends. Don't question it.  
31)Germany and Greece are not.  
32)Expect calls from Austria informing you that Switzerland is taking pot shots at Italy again (he cuts through there while going to visit Germany)  
33)Remind Italy often that he cannot do this as it disturbs Austria's beauty sleep.  
34)Switzerland is very protective of his younger sister Liechtenstein.  
35)He is also a crack shot.  
36) While both Germany and Prussia may seem intimidating they are actually very nice and polite once you get to know them.  
37)Germany tends to look after the younger nations (including Sealand, expect to have to deal with him a lot)  
38) Prussia tends to be more involved with animal protection societies  
39) They both have pets. Germany has three dogs Blackie, Berlitz, and Aster while Prussia has a bird named Gilbird  
40) Both brothers live together. Prussia lives in the basement. while Germany sticks to the upper stories.  
41) You WILL be invited to dinner at their house. Do not comment on the fact that Germany likes to bake cakes.  
42)Do not comment on the fact that Prussia like cute animals  
43) Also as i am sure you have noticed Prussia is Albino your children will inevitably humiliate you by pointing this out.  
44) Luckily Prussia thinks being albino is proof of how awesome he is.  
45) No neither one will be willing to change their uniforms. Most countries are rather attached to their history.  
46) Both will, however, wear suits when attending formal events.  
47) Poland has a blood feud with both brothers for obvious reasons  
48) Both enjoy going out with America for paintball  
49) Beer is a food group to them  
50) You will never get a normal nights sleep again


End file.
